When we hear about ADHD, we often picture misbehaving boys running around, making a mess, shouting, and being unable to concentrate. ADHD is less commonly associated with girls and women because it may manifest differently in them. Similarly, the stereotypical image of autistic children does not necessarily reflect how autistic adults – particularly women – function. The combination of ADHD and autism produces a unique set of characteristics that may not always be visible to others.
AuDHD affects every area of life – how a person functions and responds to various factors, including diet. Women with AuDHD are often associated with “masking”, which can make it difficult for others to recognise that certain activities pose a considerable challenge and consume a great deal of energy.
What does AuDHD look like – my perspective
Unlike people with other presentations of AuDHD, I do not have depressive tendencies, dwell on regrets, or worry about the past. I am not particularly empathetic, and I do not always understand other people’s feelings. Nor do I experience longing in the ways with which I am familiar from other people’s descriptions. I easily forget the past and people I previously knew. However, many things cause me physical discomfort and provoke a certain kind of anger – one that drives me and makes me act very impulsively.
I am a very impatient person. When I see a queue in a shop, I give up on shopping. When something bores me but I am expected to remain where I am, I experience physical discomfort, inner tension, and stress. I strongly dislike it when someone takes an interest in me and my past or tries to create problems. To me, there are no problems – only challenges. The past does not matter; it has already happened. What matters is the present.
Relationships and neurodiversity
The vast majority of people simply do not interest me. I am not interested in other people’s lives, children, problems, or relationships. These things are simply neither important nor relevant to me. When I have to listen to them, I experience inner tension, discomfort, impatience, and mounting anger. I want to free myself from the situation and escape to something that genuinely interests me and brings me joy. This also works the other way around: I do not like answering questions about my family or my past, especially when someone attributes things to me that are far from the truth or tries to work out why I do not have a husband or children. Personal relationships are a subject to which I react in a way that I do not fully understand myself. If I do not raise the subject, I do not want anyone to pry into it. I do not experience a sense of familial attachment.
Hyperfocus and special interests in AuDHD
When I become deeply interested in something, it consumes me completely. I stop feeling the need to eat or use the bathroom, and I forget about trivial matters such as shopping. I only take a break to recover when my body physically refuses to cooperate – for example, when my eyes hurt so much that I can no longer keep them open and they begin to water and burn. Even then, I feel disappointed that I cannot continue what I was doing. Many subjects have absorbed me intensely throughout my life, and I have explored them until I exhausted my curiosity. They have covered a wide range of fields, including science, medicine, sport, psychology, history, technology, motoring, and sound.
The need for movement, productivity, and multitasking
Action and movement are extremely important to me. I have to move; I have to be doing something. I don’t have good balance, which means I can’t rollerblade or ice skate. I don’t have good attention span, so when I’m cycling and have to look back, I lose my balance or drift out of my lane. If I do not accomplish anything productive during the day, I feel as though I have wasted my time. To avoid wasting time, I try to do at least two things at once – for example, studying while exercising or engaging in physical activity, or learning between tasks at work. Even my relationships only become lasting when they involve personal growth and shared interests, without burdensome discussions about subjects that fall outside my areas of interest.
Social contact is exhausting for me. It often takes me several days to recover after participating in a social activity or spending time with someone who drained my energy. I avoid relationships, gatherings, group activities, and crowded places.
Sensory overload: sounds, smells, and touch
I am highly sensitive to sounds, images, smells, and touch. I do not like being touched by almost anyone. I cannot tolerate being somewhere where people are shouting, crying, complaining, or swearing. It can even make me vomit. I am similarly sensitive to smells. Sometimes I can tell whether a woman is menstruating, what someone has eaten, or whether someone is stressed. I am particularly sensitive to the smell of people who have consumed alcohol, smoke cigarettes, or neglect their personal hygiene. I can wake up during the night because of the slightest change from the usual conditions – for example, an additional, even minimal, source of light; a new humming sound; a neighbour turning on a washing machine; someone dropping something; or a mosquito or fruit fly entering the room. I notice changes in my surroundings. I can sense that something is different from usual, even when I cannot identify what it is.
I have a very strong sense of justice and truth. I often act first and only think about the consequences afterwards. I will tell the truth first, and only later realise that it may have been uncomfortable for others to hear.
Memory and organization in daily life
Contrary to common assumptions about ADHD, I do not forget important things, including physical belongings, and I am not usually late. Quite the opposite – I often arrive far too early and walk around near my destination. When I have arranged to meet someone, I prepare for it all day and am often unable to do anything other than wait until it is time to leave or for the other person to arrive. Every meeting is a major event for which I prepare and in which I become deeply involved – at least internally. However, I do forget things and events that are not personally essential to me. I will remember to take my keys and phone or attend a meeting, but I cannot remember where I have placed objects that do not have a permanent location in my space. I may also forget what I was doing a moment ago if I was thinking about something absorbing. At home, I can keep everything in its designated place and automatically put it back or retrieve it without thinking. However, when I go on holiday and do not recreate the same arrangement in the new location, I may forget to take water, a hat, or a ticket.
Memory and focus challenges
I cannot remember lengthy statements or complex questions. This is why I often carry a notebook and pen so that I can write down key points as I go. If someone asks me several questions at once, I will remember only the first or the last one. When I give a longer answer, I sometimes forget what the question was or what I was talking about halfway through my response.
If something fails to interest me from the beginning, I cannot make it to the end without considerable discomfort. Whenever possible, I will interrupt or stop it. When I have no choice but to continue, it requires an enormous amount of mental and physical effort, and it takes me a long time to recover.
Approaching work, tasks, and goals
It is very easy to tell whether I like something. If a person or subject interests me, I respond quickly and enthusiastically and take action on my own initiative. If something or someone does not capture my interest, I avoid it, do not engage, and either do not respond or take a long time to do so. I am unable to pretend that I like something because doing so is physically too difficult for me to endure.
I am not good at small talk – it makes me impatient and leaves me wanting to end the conversation and escape. I do not like having many acquaintances. I feel that I am wasting time if I devote too much of it to maintaining relationships. I prefer to have only a few friends. I like to keep the different areas of my life separate and prevent them from overlapping. Family is one distinct area, although I only recognise my immediate family as such. Work is another, and friendships are yet another.
When I am alone, I can do many things at the same time. My attention shifts very quickly, and I function well this way. However, if someone is nearby – especially if they are watching me – I cannot focus on anything other than the fact that I am being watched and judged. I then make the simplest and most foolish mistakes. If I am to do something well, I need to be alone and feel that nobody is watching or monitoring me.
Adrenaline, stress, and other people’s mistaken opinions about me create a powerful urge to act and prove what I am capable of.
I do not feel satisfied when I finish something. I do not feel successful. What brings me joy is the act of doing it. I enjoy working towards a goal, but I do not feel satisfied once I have achieved it, regardless of how significant the accomplishment may be. I operate in a task-oriented way: I complete a task and tick it off without feeling fulfilled afterwards. Instead, I simply feel that I now have something else to do.
I am highly sensitive to order, manners, and behaviour. I pay attention to tones of voice, words, and volume. I react strongly to aggressive driving (motion sickness), swearing, vulgarity in both behaviour and clothing, negative language, confined spaces, and attempts at manipulation – sometimes referred to as “dark psychology”. I dislike things that disrupt beauty, such as graffiti, advertising, and many examples of modern art in which I cannot sense creativity or commitment. I am deeply affected by the contrast between the beauty and dedication associated with the past – particularly the period before the world wars, when architecture was ornate, people spoke respectfully, and they presented themselves with dignity – and the lack of quality and beauty in the modern world. Sometimes the contrast is so great that tears of sadness come to my eyes. Conversely, when I see beautiful buildings and beautiful people, I can be moved to tears of admiration and happiness. I am highly sensitive to the beauty and culture of the world.
I often lose my train of thought when someone or something interrupts me, when I walk through a doorway or gate, or when something distracts me. I frequently cannot remember what I was thinking about a moment earlier. When I try to identify what prompted the previous thought, I come across another one instead. My thoughts change very quickly.
I am good at tasks that are fast and short-lived, but more complex activities make me reluctant to act and can cause a kind of paralysis. On the other hand, when something fascinates me, it absorbs me so completely that I forget everything else. For example, I love organising and cleaning, walking through interesting areas, and doing practical work with my hands.
I create an enormous number of plans, lists, analyses, and screenshots of things that matter to me, yet I never return to them. After some time, I delete them without even checking what they contained.
If I have an idea that can be carried out quickly, I act immediately. Otherwise, I may never do it at all. Sometimes I have clear goals in mind and wait for the right moment – when the motivation to act finally arrives. At that point, I am capable of completing even a long-term project. However, the right atmosphere, mood, and general feeling must last long enough for me to finish it.
I am capable of changing my entire life in a single day, and this has happened many times. I do not experience regret, guilt, or fear.
My coping mechanisms and daily life hacks
I do not like wasting time on things that are of little importance to me. For example, applying my make-up takes me two minutes a day. I arrange my clothes so that I do not have to think about what to wear. I eat simple meals that are quick to prepare. When I take a longer bath, I also learn by listening to something or having a conversation. If I need to spend more time doing something with my hair – which is quite a challenge for me – I occupy my mind by listening to something that expands my knowledge. I strongly dislike using a hairdryer because I cannot listen to anything while doing so, and my impatience becomes almost physically painful.
I cannot simply lie down and do nothing. That is not restful for me. I rest by walking. To me, rest means shifting my thoughts and focusing on something simpler that brings me joy.
I regard my belongings and personal space as sacred. I need to trust someone deeply before I allow them to touch or use my things. I do not lend them to others. Doing so causes me physical discomfort. I constantly think about anything I have lent to someone, and it causes me intense stress. My belongings feel like a part of me. I also strongly dislike being touched by people who are not particularly important or close to me.
I prioritise speed over quality. I do not check my work while I am doing it. I act first and review everything once I have finished – sometimes several times, although often only after I have already shared it with others. Checking my work as I go makes me lose my train of thought. In my case, losing that train of thought may mean that I never return to it.
Is AuDHD a disadvantage?
I am therefore someone who constantly needs to be doing something, creating, or moving. I do not involve many people in my life. I tend to avoid relationships. If I do maintain a lasting relationship with someone, it means that I find that person genuinely interesting. I get bored quickly, but I am also quick to find powerful new sources of stimulation. I am constantly on the move. However, I find it difficult to begin and complete projects that require long-term commitment. Waiting and doing things that do not interest me cause me physical discomfort. When something brings me joy, I experience it very intensely. Although I may appear calm on the outside, there is a great deal happening inside me. Even the smallest issue can disrupt my sleep and my rhythm. I often watch videos at increased speed. If I like a particular song, I may listen to it on repeat hundreds of times, only to forget about it for years – or even forever.
My spiritual awakening has made me noticeably calmer. I no longer experience constant stress, anxiety, and inner anger. I have learnt to exercise greater control over myself and my thoughts.
I do not regard AuDHD as a flaw. Quite the opposite – I believe that, with good organisation, this combination can become a significant strength.